I dont use this anymore

http://joeyandres.tumblr.com is where its at.

The Pacific - Pt 7

Today I watched part 7 of 'The Pacific', a 10-part mini-series about the USMC and their struggle through the Pacific theatre of the Second World War.

I've watched many, many war movies from new to old. But something about that one hour episode hit me really hard. Never in the space of one hour has a war movie made me feel so bitter. The horrific reality of the war was shown and not only did it touch my heart but it shed me a few tears. The personal side of the episode showed innocent, young men changing into monsters, killing, murdering, they were beasts of hell, and at the same time they had no choice otherwise it would have been their corpse lying dead on the floor instead of the enemies. I witnessed just a glimpse of what the men in that war witnessed, the changing effect on their personalities, the terrain they conquered, the fear of death, but more importantly, the fear of life. 'Every man here is scared, if they're not, they're either lying or dead'.

I faintly remember a quote from the first episode that grasped on to me. I remember when the young kid was asking permission from his father to participate in the war, the kid continually told the father not to worry and that he will one day come home. The father said (atleast my version from what I remember) 'Son, your death isn't what I worry about, what I am so concerned of is that, the day you come back from that war, when I look into your eyes, you won't hold the same love and life you once held, and that, will hurt me the most'.

I guess episode 7 helped me understand more of what I already tried to. I dont know how to put this into words but it was just so emotional, and yet it was the total opposite.

I guess we'll never understand.

So i'm currently seeing this girl. Her names Melanie Eve Riger.

Emperor Of Aversion

So I wrote these lyrics some time earlier this year when I was going through a tough time of confusion. I looked at myself and I didn't know who I was, who I was turning into, what I wanted, and what was going to happen to me and my life.


Emperor Of Aversion

Resentment fills the air that I breathe, destroying my inner faith, my inner confidence
Crushed to pieces, should I climb back up or ease my rest by diving down to where I belong
Diving down into the bitter pits of disregard and revulsion, diving blind into the dark
Though im sightless, if there was light id see none, this world will forever remain dark to my eyes

This wilderness is what I call my paradise, my heaven
As it imitates my inner soul, a one that is deceased

I am an existing entity but beneath is whats questioned
Are my insides just rotting roots waiting to be dismembered?
I shall look at the shining mirror, and only find whats behind me
My emptiness, lifelessness, non existence

Ill look at the mirror and find the numb landscape of whats behind
Neither body nor soul reflecting back to my undying eyes
I am the black hole which has sucked the life and light out of my own self
I am the never-ending gap from good to evil

This is who I am..

So this is probably the first blog i've written in months, probably first this year, and what better subject to write about but myself.

Just thought id reflect on who I am and who I've slowly transformed into these past years.

I use to be a very emotionally vulnerable person, what people said to me use to affect me alot, and I thank god for putting every obstacle in my life that has hurt me, from nearly stabbing a person in year 9, to getting suspended from school many times, to getting expelled in the exact week before my year 12 graduation, to losing close friends time and time again. They may have been rough and may have fucking sucked at the time, but everything has slowly transformed me into the person I now am. I am a much more confident and true person, and though my ego may get the best of me sometimes, I try to always look away from my darkness. I am a much more honest person and I have my mom to thank for raising me up to be a good man that has good moral judgement.

I've been through alot of love, hate, gain and loss, and times in the pass where I have had suicidal thoughts but I've persevered and Im grateful for the life I have now, and everyone I have in my life. I have wonderful friends, and a quote that I recently came up with, may not be the best, "For those in the past which arent in my present, I want nothing to do with in the future", pretty self explanatory and means that if people in my past, whether good friends or not, dont bother making an effort to bond the friendship, I want nothing to do with them anymore, it helps me through every day life and reminds me who my true blood brothers and sisters are.

I've been in Burnt At The Stake since October 08 when we first started out in that little room at school, and we've come a long way from praccing in the music room to now having played many shows including interstate ones and releasing our first EP, it's what I love to do and whether people believe we will go nowhere or somewhere, I will let that for fate and hard work to decide.

I'm also joining the Army Reserves, many people question why im doing it, some even calling me stupid, and if my reasons are stupid then so be it. Since I was a little boy i've always highly respected and looked up to war veterans and current soldiers, I am a WWII fanatic and am obsessed with the Atlantic Theatre of that war, and I guess just as I loved punk and hardcore music enough to be in a band, I loved it enough to join the force myself.

It actually felt good to let everything out in public, I use to be afraid of people judging me according to my past deeds, but im not anymore. I've spoken the honest truth and I dont care if people criticise or judge me wrongly for what I have written, because that is who I am. Im over being judged and being talked shit on. Ive been downhill, at rock bottom, and hurt alot through the past years, through things with friends, girls, and just plain bad decisions. And i'm proud to say now, nothing can hurt me.


- Joey Cruz Andres